Unfilmed Script – “Toast to Mildred” (1981)

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Here’s the summary for the third of four M*A*S*H “spec” scripts, courtesy of Eric. For more information about unfilmed/unproduced scripts for the series see this post.

Toast to Mildred
March 1, 1981
First Draft
John Charles
25 Pages

The episode begins in the Mess Tent at breakfast with Klinger serving. They all comment on the perfume Klinger purchased by mail order. It stinks! Klinger hands Hawkeye a package from home. It is a book written by his uncle, “101 Ways to Prepare Maine Lobster.” Hawkeye is instantly lost in his book which also catches the attention of Charles and BJ and they follow him to the O.R.

In the O.R., food continues to be the topic. Charles suggests that it may be possible to get the ingredients needed to make some of the dishes in the new book. While Charles and Hawkeye talk food, BJ suggest to Klinger that he should team up with a local alchemist and create a perfume line. Meanwhile, Potter and Margaret are exchanging glances which Hawkeye comments on. Potter quickly shuts Hawkeye up.

After the session, Potter asks Margaret to join him for lunch. BJ asks if he can tag along and he is shot down.

Outside the O.R., Klinger is selling his new perfume and Hawkeye has figured out how to make the recipes from his book using Knockwurst in place of lobster. BJ, not listening to Hawkeye, sees Margaret and Potter walking across the compound arm-in-arm.

Later in the Mess Tent, Hawkeye is serving his own dish, Knockwurst in the shape of lobster. Charles is impressed with Hawkeye’s creation, but BJ is not. He is watching Margaret and Potter talking and laughing at a table, alone.

Outside the Supply Tent, the alchemist and Klinger are selling their new perfume line. BJ and Hawkeye are disgusted by the scents. Hawkeye goes on talking about steamed clams and BJ asks him if he has noticed anything different between Potter and Margaret. Hawkeye admits he has, but goes back to his issues with clams. BJ is angry.

Potter knocks at Margaret’s tent and asks if she would like some coffee. He enters her tent, clearly nervous, and they have a drink. Potter talks to Margaret about the difficulties of living in the Army and how he knows it has been difficult for her. She begins to cry and they exit the tent for the Mess Tent. Outside Margaret’s tent, Klinger is chasing BJ and Hawkeye with another bottle of perfume. They confront Potter and Margaret and Potter senses what they are thinking and he orders them to his office.

In Potter’s office, Potter is angry and BJ expresses his concern about the relationship between Potter and Margaret. He quickly sets them strait by telling them he is happily married and explains there are different types of love and he does love Margaret. Potter quickly changes the subject and offers them a drink. They take the drink and toast the picture of Mildred on Potter’s desk. As they are having their drink, there is an explosion in the compound. Klinger’s chemistry set in the Supply Tent has exploded. Amid the chaos, Hawkeye finds just what his recipes have been missing.

The closing scene takes place in the evening in the Mess Tent with everyone sitting around a table waiting for the finished dish. It is delivered and everyone is anxious to eat whatever smells so good. It turns out to be lobster stew made in a special way by Charles and Hawkeye. Hawkeye then proposes a toast.

As always, a big thank you to Eric for this summary.

6 Replies to “Unfilmed Script – “Toast to Mildred” (1981)”

  1. This one actually sounds like it could work (to me anyway). LOL – I think that one of the secret ingredients in the lobster stew should be one of Klingers colognes, made with fish oil. ha ha ha ha ha

  2. By the way, Eric, all kidding aside – thanks so much for sharing these scripts and for giving us the synopsis (synopsi?) – I am enjoying them very much.

    1. Synopsis is a 3rd declension noun in Latin, ending in -is, so its plural ends in -es and is synopses.

  3. Your welcome!! I thought this one was the best. With some work they all could have worked….well…except for “Father Hawkeye” which was too far of a stretch. There is still one to go!!

  4. Why would Klinger still be serving food or wearing perfume? By 1981 he had been company clerk and stopped wearing dresses for two years…

  5. Not bad…given the time period there are probably worse Season 10/11 episodes than this one would have been. If it were up to me, I’d actually lose the whole Potter/Margaret subplot and focus simply on Hawkeye’s recipes and Klinger’s perfume. As it stands, given the food based theme and Potter being down in the dumps over Mildred, it seems a little too similar to “Too Many Cooks” from Season 8.

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