Here’s the summary for the third of four M*A*S*H “spec” scripts, courtesy of Eric. For more information about unfilmed/unproduced scripts for the series see this post.

Toast to Mildred
March 1, 1981
First Draft
John Charles
25 Pages

The episode begins in the Mess Tent at breakfast with Klinger serving. They all comment on the perfume Klinger purchased by mail order. It stinks! Klinger hands Hawkeye a package from home. It is a book written by his uncle, “101 Ways to Prepare Maine Lobster.” Hawkeye is instantly lost in his book which also catches the attention of Charles and BJ and they follow him to the O.R.

In the O.R., food continues to be the topic. Charles suggests that it may be possible to get the ingredients needed to make some of the dishes in the new book. While Charles and Hawkeye talk food, BJ suggest to Klinger that he should team up with a local alchemist and create a perfume line. Meanwhile, Potter and Margaret are exchanging glances which Hawkeye comments on. Potter quickly shuts Hawkeye up.

After the session, Potter asks Margaret to join him for lunch. BJ asks if he can tag along and he is shot down.

Outside the O.R., Klinger is selling his new perfume and Hawkeye has figured out how to make the recipes from his book using Knockwurst in place of lobster. BJ, not listening to Hawkeye, sees Margaret and Potter walking across the compound arm-in-arm.

Later in the Mess Tent, Hawkeye is serving his own dish, Knockwurst in the shape of lobster. Charles is impressed with Hawkeye’s creation, but BJ is not. He is watching Margaret and Potter talking and laughing at a table, alone.

Outside the Supply Tent, the alchemist and Klinger are selling their new perfume line. BJ and Hawkeye are disgusted by the scents. Hawkeye goes on talking about steamed clams and BJ asks him if he has noticed anything different between Potter and Margaret. Hawkeye admits he has, but goes back to his issues with clams. BJ is angry.

Potter knocks at Margaret’s tent and asks if she would like some coffee. He enters her tent, clearly nervous, and they have a drink. Potter talks to Margaret about the difficulties of living in the Army and how he knows it has been difficult for her. She begins to cry and they exit the tent for the Mess Tent. Outside Margaret’s tent, Klinger is chasing BJ and Hawkeye with another bottle of perfume. They confront Potter and Margaret and Potter senses what they are thinking and he orders them to his office.

In Potter’s office, Potter is angry and BJ expresses his concern about the relationship between Potter and Margaret. He quickly sets them strait by telling them he is happily married and explains there are different types of love and he does love Margaret. Potter quickly changes the subject and offers them a drink. They take the drink and toast the picture of Mildred on Potter’s desk. As they are having their drink, there is an explosion in the compound. Klinger’s chemistry set in the Supply Tent has exploded. Amid the chaos, Hawkeye finds just what his recipes have been missing.

The closing scene takes place in the evening in the Mess Tent with everyone sitting around a table waiting for the finished dish. It is delivered and everyone is anxious to eat whatever smells so good. It turns out to be lobster stew made in a special way by Charles and Hawkeye. Hawkeye then proposes a toast.

As always, a big thank you to Eric for this summary.

Here’s the summary for the second of four M*A*S*H “spec” scripts, courtesy of Eric. For more information about unfilmed/unproduced scripts for the series see this post.

The Contract (V-540)
July 19, 1978
Third Draft
Mac Ness
32 Pages

The show starts in Potter’s office with BJ, Hawkeye, and Potter sharing a drink. They are awaiting the return of Charles and Klinger from the 8055th. Radar enters the office and indicates the two had to stop to refuel.

Meanwhile, Charles is waiting for Klinger to refuel the jeep and notices a rare spice growing in the field and tries to pick it. Klinger notices the plant is bobby trapped an stops Charles from picking it. Klinger tackles Charles just as the grenade attaches to the copper wire explodes. Charles realizes that Klinger has saved his life and vows to repay him. Klinger says there is only one thing he wants…..his signature.

Back in the Swamp, BJ and Hawkeye are playing chess when Charles returns from his mission. Charles is in a foul mood when the camp is flooded with casualties. Charles is upset due to conditions of surgery and the fact they gave all their four-oh silk to the 8055th.

The next day, Charles is in the Swamp with BJ and Hawkeye and apologizes for his behavior from the night before. He asks for a drink, then explains what happened to him and Klinger the day before. Klinger then enters the Swamp wearing a dress uniform and ask for Charles’s signature. Charles signs without hesitation. Hawkeye and BJ ask what he is signing and he explains they are discharge papers. BJ comments that it takes three doctors signatures and Klinger reminds BJ that he and Hawkeye signed the papers as part of a poker winnings pot.

In Klinger’s excitement he goes to Post-Op and visits a patient from Toledo. Klinger is recounting his favorite memories from Toledo, but the patient is only crushing Klinger. All of his favorite hang-outs are gone and favorite neighborhoods have changed. Klinger is suddenly depressed.

Klinger reenters the Swamp where BJ and Hawkeye are concerned about what they have done for Klinger. Charles is drunk. Klinger explains that he is divorced and his parents will disown him for wearing a dress. He realizes a Section 8 will not make his life better, but worse.

The episode closes with Hawkeye, BJ, Potter, and a hung-over Charles headed for the Mess Tent. They are stopped by Klinger who is wearing a tu-tu. Potter tells him it is not going to work; he will never get out by wearing dresses. Klinger just smiles!

Again, a big thank you to Eric for this summary.

The Name That Episode game is played Tuesdays and Thursdays. Players can participate as often as they like. An archive of past rounds can be found here. Today’s image can be found below. Can you name the episode it’s from? Feel free to post guesses in the comments section. As always, the winner gets bragging rights.

And the Winner Is: Sherry N. Gingerale, who correctly identified “Guerilla My Dreams.”

Name That Episode

Last night CBS broadcast “TV’s Greatest Surprises: A Paley Center for Media Special,” in which television’s 30 greatest surprises were counted down by Survivor host Jeff Probst. The special was based on a survey of television viewers by Nielsen Entertainment. The Boston Examiner‘s Gina Carbone has provided a list of the surprises and M*A*S*H came in at #17 with the death of Colonel Blake. I didn’t watch the special so I don’t know who was interviewed; if anyone did watch please let me know.

In my post the other day about unfilmed/unproduced M*A*S*H scripts, I referred to four scripts in particular that are occasionally offered for sale on eBay and have been for years. These were “spec” scripts, written by aspiring scriptwriters as proof they could handle writing for an existing show, and were never intended to be produced. M*A*S*H fan and script collector Eric offered to summarize these four scripts and I jumped at the chance. I assumed he would provide a brief paragraph of the four scripts but instead he went above and beyond and wrote lengthy summaries, which I will be posting over the next four days. Here’s the first summary:

Father Hawkeye Knows Best
March 3, 1972
Second Draft
Len Kaplan & Frank Ridgeway
27 Pages

The episode opens in Henry’s office with Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry looking a photograph of one of Henry’s patients. They are bored until Radar announced they will be visited by Congressman James L. Thomas of Indiana. He will be accompanied by his aide……Louise Burns!!! They agree to warn Frank until he enters the office accusing Klinger of striking him and places him under arrest. They decide to leave Frank in the dark and decide, later in the O.R., they will blackmail Frank for Klinger’s release.

The following morning the Congressman and Louise arrive by chopper. Louise is confused as to why Frank did not meet her at the chopper pad and demands to be taken to his tent. Frank, however, is visiting Margaret in her tent. Radar takes Louise to Margaret’s tent and, despite being dark, Louise knows Frank is not alone.

Frank returns to the Swamp where he finds out Hawkeye and Trapper knew of Louise’s arrival. Trapper goes to visit Louise and tells her that Frank is Margaret’s father figure and was only giving her advice to for her upcoming wedding. Trapper explains the wedding is about to start and she is invited to attend.

The wedding takes place in the Mess Tent with Reverend Hawkeye in charge. Henry is Best Man while Klinger is Maid of Honor. Margaret is dressed in her white wedding gown and the groom is….Radar!!! The ceremony is a huge joke (of course) and Margaret plants a big kiss on Radar.

Louise leaves happy knowing that Frank is faithful and they say their goodbyes at the chopper pad. Margaret arrives after her honeymoon with Radar! In the chopper, Louise and the Congressman are discussing their week together in Hawaii!!!

The episode closes with Hawkeye and Trapper “gathering evidence” for Margaret and Radar’s divorce. Frank admits that Hawkeye and Trapper saved him and they have a party.

A big thank you to Eric for this summary.